Posted on : 4:30 PM | By : Nic | In : life
This is the most difficult letter I have ever written, and I am not really even writing it for you. I am writing it for me, because I want to feel at peace that I've said everything I need to say. Last week you were diagnosed with breast cancer. I haven't been able to say it out loud yet... I've only written it because it is such a scary word. It has been a long week of waiting for your appointments with your oncologist, waiting for a number that tells us how bad it might be, filled with a roller coaster of emotions and periods of time trying to distract myself from the dark thoughts and fears.
I have always lived my life from the mindset that I will never, ever make a decision out of fear, and I wish the same for you. Yes, we are afraid, and yes, it might be bad. Those facts will not change the idea that you are still in control of your mind, and while your body seems to have turned traitor against you, your amazing mind can still win the fight.
I spent the week thinking of all the amazing gifts you gave me, starting with life, because you have never been satisfied with just mediocre. When the public school failed me, you pulled me out and homeschooled me. When life in the city wasn't good enough, you took us to Montana to be near family. When you weren't happy in your marriage, you set out on a adventure to find happiness. You kept me safe, you taught me to think and to be independent, and you always give me good advice. You were at the birth of two of my babies, which I was super-prepared for because you let me witness the birth of my brother at one of the first natural births at the Vancouver, Washington birth center. You were amazing, by the way. Your life is a triumph of integrity and love.
The more I look at where you are right now, the more certain I am that everything happens as it should. We wondered why you moved to California... it turns out you live next to the best breast care center in the world. We sometimes questioned your divorce... but it turns out that my brother is in the care of an amazing step-mom. We applauded your amazing weight-loss and years of physical training that has put you in the best shape of your life, and now we have that much more hope that your beautiful, healthy body can pull you through. Because of the place you are in, in your life, all you have to worry about is getting better.
I have always supported you and loved you, and I feel so helpless right now when you need it most. I wanted to start running for breast cancer and had a race all picked out, and now I have to do it - no more procrastination! I want you to run with me, and you will, because you are a fighter. I hope you know how much I love you, mother of mine.